December 16, 2016 (Friday)

by Yule Heibel on December 15, 2017

There was an uncomfortable sounding storm raging all night, disturbing sleep. Now, this morning, even at eight, it’s only 3ºF and according to my weather app it “feels like” -8ºF. We’re talking Fahrenheit… It’s too cold to snow (that’s supposed to hit us tomorrow, when it “warms up”), but the roads appear white, a kind of shocked pallor. Coffee.

Still reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough, and while I can’t say that my mother was a full-blown narcissist, she was depressed and very much an absence in my life. I recall one real conversation with her where she suddenly seemed happy – it was so out of the ordinary that it’s still salient. One. That’s it. Everything else sinks into a great Nothing. Depressed mothers aren’t around much. The resulting scars are similar, very, to the kind a narcissistic mother inflicts on her daughter(s). There’s a fundamental lack of validation and absence of recognition for who I am, and I’ve definitely played out the full panoply of overachiever AND self-saboteur as a result. I’m now concerned that [x] and I have fallen – or perhaps always were – in a pattern where [the person] plays the unresponsive mother and I’m the perpetually disappointed daughter. I really don’t understand, at this point, the extent to which I’m putting [other person] into this role versus what’s really coming, innately, from [other person] and is made “worse” by my reactions / patterns.

I need more coffee.

As I work through my relationship tangles I might tamp down even further on social media, Facebook in particular. I need contact with real people, voices, and bodies. When I go to Facebook, I should think the world is coming to an end by dint of the simple fact that Trump breathes.

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