January 11, 2017 (Wednesday)

by Yule Heibel on January 10, 2018

I was thinking this morning – and it evoked not a little panic (the topic, not the thinking) – that I feel my life is stuff is which somehow overwhelms or consumes me, takes my time, and that I consequently don’t feel I have time for one more thing in my life. This is some kind of pattern more than it is a “real” reality, I suppose. I realized some time ago that I’ve arranged my life as a good little help-meet and housewife in such a way that a job (and a commute) would literally destroy my existing life. But when I think about it even more concretely, I see that even a non-employment type situation, which nonetheless requires real dedication if only on a part-time basis, would impinge on the other things I do: my morning routine; exercise; walking for one or two hours daily, weather permitting (these are all fun things, true); reading (ditto); PLUS all the domestic chores I’m responsible for. I feel like I’d have to give up a chunk of things I like to do in order to make room for another thing (including, perhaps, socializing, which typically exhausts me as much as it might, occasionally, inspire). And so it’s because I dislike the things I “must” do so much (all that housework, the endless cooking and clean up) that I fear losing time for what I like doing (and some of those things are essential: it’s crucial not to give them up if I want to stand a chance at a healthy old age), and it paralyzes me insofar as I’m afraid to admit new things. Now, I didn’t really feel this incompetent in Victoria. But somehow, here, I do. I feel incompetent. It might have something to do with proximity, the absence of it. Things feel farther away and difficult to reach (even if the distance isn’t really insurmountable). If I want to go to the Harvard Art Museums for a Doris Salcedo film screening on Friday, it’s as though I have to start planning it yesterday, three days in advance. So it all takes up mental space, too. It’s not spontaneous. Are these excuses? Indubitably. But the reality is that I just don’t know how to move beyond them – because I really don’t want to do more shit and have to give up doing the good-for-me / fun stuff to make room for crap. ROI.

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