February 6, 2017 (Monday)

by Yule Heibel on February 5, 2018

And another day – a Monday, a week, a work-week for some – rolls around. This morning… ah, me. Not sure about how I feel about the weekend –mostly glum, I think. Yes, as per Andy of Headspace, these are mere “thoughts,” but I am trying to be more aware generally of what’s going on in my head, and so I have to inquire: Why do I sense this emotion of anger – and then it’s gone again! – when I think of how I spent my weekend? What “should” have been different? Did I have any (much) control in how I spent my time? I snapped a bit at W., telling him I feel / felt like I had nothing to do, but that my time also wasn’t my own. I felt like a servant, I added.

Cooking, making the meals, cleaning up, tidying, making the bed, doing the laundry – that’s the days. On Saturday I initially wanted to go see F. in a theater production in Waltham, but it was “too far” for W. to want to go, so we stayed home. Each evening the same thing: always always always the same thing. Then, in the morning, more of the same as I resume my subaltern life. This sounds melodramatic, but it’s not. It’s not because I’m not being creative, I’m not creating (or inter-acting much), and this worries me. I’m maintaining – I’m maintaining some kind of status quo, some routine or other, like Penelope weaving and unpicking the same damn cloth. Or turning the potter’s wheel under the clay, shaping it before entropy just returns it to its original unformed state.

Maintenance is all well and good, and necessary. But given that I don’t have a paying job and theoretically am in charge of my own time, maintenance is a bore. Sometimes I just want to blow something up, although I know that would get me nowhere, too. And friends. I don’t know how this is supposed to continue if it’s just W. and I going forward. God, what a long bitchy entry this has been. Sun is shining, blind is down, it’s colder again (but not as cold as in years past), and tomorrow it’s supposed to snow. Last night, a couple of fireworks after the Patriots won Superbowl LI against the Falcons in OT. Unexpected, I gather. We watched “Vera.”

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