February 27, 2017 (Monday)

by Yule Heibel on February 26, 2018

Is it really Monday again this morning? Seems like time is flying by, but not necessarily in a good way. I’m caught (or feel I am) on an interminable loop. It goes ’round and ’round, but doesn’t actually go anywhere. No straight lines, just circles. Obviously, this sense of futility doesn’t pair well with my current meditation pack, Appreciation. I’m doing this pack for the second time in a row. I decided I needed to do it again, right away, precisely because I was having problems. The worms of cynicism and detachment have found their way into my outlook.

It might also be this time of year, which I’m finding is difficult for me. Perhaps its simple recurrence (times of year are seasonal, after all) reinforces the “seasonal/circular” mental state I’m in. I’m trying to feel the real nuggets of appreciation I experience throughout my days, and I’m not completely cynical and morose. But it’s hard by the time February is in full swing, and there’s still March and even parts of April to deal with…

And then there’s the teetering on the edge of the circle: day in and day out, all the time – do we really, should we really, stay here, in [B.], in this house? Fix more things, keep investing and improving? Investment, which in turn requires maintenance (circularity), but without which there’s depreciation (seems I was writing about this very problem just the other day, only as it applies to entire municipalities…), and then the commitment that investment creates to stay in this circle, never breaking out? And what about me, economically useless as I am? How I hate the fact that I don’t have a career – and that I’m not even a failed artist or something. Even if I worked, though, say as an adjunct, my salary would be measly and not enough to keep us above water here. If W. doesn’t get a new job, we have to reconsider things significantly anyway. Circles within circles. Fucking clockwork. I suppose the economic insecurity brought on by the 1/24/17 lay-off contributes to my sense (current sense) of flatness: it’s a larger circle I’ve experienced many times, growing up in economic insecurity, bankruptcy, and emigration, constant moving, and so on. Within that larger circle, which feels sometimes like a master script, there are smaller circles – of happiness, ease, calm. Sometimes even a sense of direction – and who doesn’t want a sense of direction? Having a reminder that all this is, however, constrained and framed by that larger circle …well, that’s when you feel crucified. Perhaps it’s a good idea to realize that one’s personal larger circle (in my case, economic incompetence and instability) is contained within an even bigger circle. The “blue sky” of the meditation packs, perhaps; or, staying with the crucifixion trope, redemption. I’m not a believer, though, so I’m not sure how redemption could ever work for me. But I don’t want to be irredeemably stuck where I am.

Last night (change of topic) we watched Jackie. Not anywhere near as interesting as I had hoped. We also, in the afternoon, drove to Devereux Beach in Marblehead, where F. had invited us, impromptu, to meet him because he was there to perform in some scenes for a film. We arrived just as they wrapped up and then decided to go to Gulu-Gulu in Salem for coffee, which ended up being a small meal for each of us. Was fun to catch up – F. is completely into theater / acting / film + TV  and the arts these days, having a blast with this second career.

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