April 13, 2017 (Thursday)

by Yule Heibel on April 12, 2018

Changes, I need a new routine perhaps. I think that if I stick to my present morning routine going forward, it will mean having to rush through the morning pages unless I were to get up even earlier, and that’s not good (neither the rushing nor the getting up even earlier…).

Today I got up at 6:10a.m., and by the time I had done my bathroom routine, made the coffee, opened all the blinds, sat down to meditate, finished meditating, there were only 25 minutes left till W.’s ETD for the train station, which would have meant harrying the morning pages. It affects the quality of mind if I feel rushed. So I instead sat down at the breakfast table with W., then walked with him to the station and back, getting a bit of morning exercise myself. After I got home, I sat for a 30-minute meditation session, and then started my morning pages. Not sure this will work out, though, going forward.

Three crows just flew across the pleasant-looking sky outside my window… Cardinals (male) are fighting for aerial turf. What does one call aerial “turf,” anyway? All the birds are being very birdy now that warmer weather is here – and my god, I do believe I spy some forsythia blooms in the backyard mess just below me. It also looks like some scraggly privet has at last leafed out. The air this morning was still crisp and cool, but it’s looking to be a very nice day. By Easter Sunday, the weird super-heat we had a couple of days ago might return. Oh well.

This is a boring laundry list – I’m noticing that the new (newish) routine is not yet giving me access to any kind of flow…

Yesterday was a day I felt lower than I had in weeks. Perhaps months. As low as anything. I got into a bit at the end of yesterday’s morning pages (weak ties, strong ties). I think my low was exacerbated by knowing that W. would get to go off and make new ties today, while I would be left to meander here, alone. The conflict is that I want to be alone, thrive on it – “I vant to be (left) alone,” as the great Garbo said – but I hate the social isolation I feel here. And I hate that I’m not some kind of super woman, that I can’t seem to be able to work completely on my own, in isolation, without eventually flaking out, giving up.


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