September 21, 2017 (Thursday)

by Yule Heibel on September 20, 2018

During the night, half of which I was awake for, I seriously couldn’t remember what day (night) of the week it was. I was convinced, for a while anyway, that today should be Friday. It was with both alarm and a sinking feeling that I realized it wasn’t. My dismay came from at least two places: 1) that I would be so desperate as to want my life to pass more quickly; and 2) that I’m obviously more stressed by how I’m living my life than I’m generally willing to admit.

We have had the ongoing weak aftereffects of some tropical storm and it basically rained or misted all day. So I didn’t want to go out. At all. This was a mistake. The day became a pile-up of “little” mistakes like that. I stayed indoors. Aside from exercising and some writing, I seemed to do nothing (except listen to another Peterson lecture). The mists continued, as did the rather fierce winds. It was a mistake not to go outside, take a long and perhaps physically exhausting walk – a realization accompanied by almost profound sadness when I noticed, on my way to taking the trash to the curb, that the weather was actually magical and energizing: it was dry enough, it was warm, and it was richly atmospheric and windy. It was warmer outside than inside. I had missed the whole day, and now I had a headache and a sudden, stabbing stomach ache.

I went to bed early. The wind kept up. At 2a.m. I awoke from banging noises outside, which didn’t stop. By 2:50a.m., still awake, I was outside, rescuing the wind-knocked trash barrel, the contents of which were about to go flying all over the street. I continued awake. Around 4a.m. I looked at the time again. I had a headache. The storm continued.

Not every night is like the one which just ended. Not every day is as crippling (self-inflicted or not) as yesterday. But too many are. You can get through life best by being in the right place at the right time. I’m tired of knowing I’m not in the right place while also not feeling the right time, and I’m running out of things to do about it.

I’ll take a walk today, but mostly I’m going in circles, I fear.

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